If you’re anything like me, your various social media feeds are full of authors telling you to buy their books to fend of the impending boredom of self-quarantine. That’s a good idea!
As someone who has spent a not insignificant chunk of his adult life either hiding from the contagious hordes of humanity, or actually in a hospital convalescing from an infection, I can confirm that books are amazing! But, here’s the thing: my book is the most amazingest of all.
Allow me to explain.
Post-apocalyptic books are, at heart, about hope. About perseverance and survival in the face of overwhelming adversity. And my book has OVER TWENTY APOCALYPSES to choose from! Do you understand how much HOPE that is per page?!
In these economically fraught times, my book is cost-efficient, too. THE END OF EVERYTHING FOREVER is five books and eighteen short stories for the price of ONE book from one of those major publishers. MARVEL AT ALL THE MONEY I’M SAVING YOU.
Look, this book is massive. 700+ pages, 8 inches by 10. It’s like a phone book, only useful. Do you know what you could do with a book that size? Start several fires if you needed to. Kill a zombie probably, or a neighbor,* or both if things get real bad. And, I mean, if you couldn’t get toilet paper in time, well, here you go. PROBLEM SOLVED.
Honestly, wiping your ass with THE END OF EVERYTHING FOREVER is 100% what the characters would want.
In a time when you’re probably cancelling plans with actual acquaintances, why not read the book David Atkinson calls “like visiting old friends?” By the way, he also warns that you should read THE END OF EVERYTHING FOREVER “before the world ends” and who are you to argue with David? Nobody, that’s who. Dude actually updates his blog, ON THE REGULAR, which you know means he has his shit together.
Did I mention that Danger Slater wrote the foreword? Danger Slater wrote the foreword. He is nothing short of a bizarro god and upsetting the gods is exactly how we got into this mess.**
Sure, you THINK you’ve got a handle on your self-sequestering. And maybe you do! But, again, as someone who’s been here many a time before, trust me when I say the boredom, like the rhythm, IS GONNA GET YOU. Be prepared with a book that’s FIVE TIMES as effective at boredom-staving as the average book.
So why now? Why today? Because the weekend is looming. All of your plans are probably cancelled, and TV is absolute shit after Thursday. That’s A LOT of time. What’re you going to do, spend it with your loved ones? Yeah, good luck with that. Buy my book and hide from the world, the way nature intended.
And, here’s the best part! My book is available ONLINE. Read it on your Kindle. Get it left on your doorstep. No going into the virusy throng of humanity and putting yourself at risk – or endangering others, like me, with my compromised immune system.***
tl;dr Buy my book, stay inside, save the world.
Who doesn’t want to be a hero?
*please do not kill any neighbors with my book, or anyone, really
** that’s not how we got into this mess, you non-hand-washing sociopaths
*** no, I’m not above a pity sale; FEEL SORRY FOR ME, GOD DAMN IT